The 5 Types of Conflict Fighter Language

Feb 10, 2014   //   by Tina McCrea   //   Blog  //  Comments Off on The 5 Types of Conflict Fighter Language

Conflict, Communication, & Connection

 

“Conflict & Closeness”
Not only do you need to know your love language, but you also need to know your Conflict Fighter Language. How you fight and confront conflict is just as important as how you love. The way you fight and confront conflict may be what is disrupting your love connection in your marriage. Believe it or not, conflict can bring about closeness in marriage if done properly. Conflict allows you and your spouse the honest opportunity to deal with marital issues.

Fighting is Passionate Communication

 

How men and women understand and verbalize conflict is inherently different. Until we understand the language of conflict, we will not be able to resolve the issues in our marriages. Not only do you need to know your Conflict Fighter Language, but you also need to know your spouse’s as well. If both of you know and use properly the Conflict Fighter Language of each other then you will not have to have explosive arguments continually, but rather you will know how to communicate more effectively the issues of your marriage.

 

Women: Feelings vs. Commands

 

Women are led by emotions in most areas of their lives. This is also true when it comes to conflict. Women want to be felt and heard from the heart when dealing with conflict. The most effective way for a husband to be able to communicate with his wife is through the area of emotions and feelings. Although this is the complete opposite of how men view communication and conflict, men tend to look at this from the angle of commands and not feelings.

 

Husbands, it does not matter when loving your spouse how you interpret love, communication, and conflict, what matters is you being able to put yourself aside and focus on them and their needs. When we only focus on how we do something and want something then we are selfish. Marriage is about sacrifice, and not selfishness!

 

Men: Commands vs. Feelings
Men are led by commands (actions) that are tangible and can be gagged by achievement in the various areas of their lives. This is very true in the area of conflict. Men hate emotions and feelings being the driving force of any conversation. The most effective way for a wife to communicate with her husband is not to allow her emotions and feelings to lead her, but rather focus on the issue at hand, and to bring tangible action steps to resolve the issues.
Wives, I am not telling you not to feel or be emotional, but don’t let your words be only feelings and emotions when dealing with your spouse. Put your feelings and emotions aside and focus on what your husband is saying and not interpret everything as “hurt feelings” and as him being insensitive, but rather he is just direct and deals with the issues head on and not heart on!

The Five (5) Types of Conflict Fighters:

 

The Confronter:

 

 confront

The Confronter is one who uses a tell-it-like-it-is approach when dealing with conflict. The Confronter is good in that they do not allow issues to linger and they are not afraid of admitting that something is wrong in the relationship. Confronters don’t allow simple things to become terminal because they confront them at the onset.
The problem with the Confronter arises in that they tend to confront the individual rather than the issues, and they tend to think everything that their spouse does is a problem. The Confronter has to learn that some things are not issues and that they need to get over them rather than confront them.

The Competitor:

 

 Picture1

 

The Competitor is one who would rather be right than actually resolve the issue at hand. The competitor is only concerned with getting their point across and approved as the right idea. The competitor is selfish in that they are not concerned with their spouse’s point-of-view. A competitor is the person who stands in front of the mirror and practices what they are going to say. It is all about winning and not getting to a place of agreement and resolution.

 

The Controller:

 

 fight

 

 

The Controller has a no-holds-barred stance when dealing with conflict, and they dominant the entire conversation. They also resort to bullying when they confront issues. They are very accusatory when they communicate. They only tend to say, “You_____________ rather than I or we. They tend not to take responsibility for their own actions, but always make their spouse feel at fault.  They also resort to yelling a lot, standing or towering over their spouses, and getting right in their face to dominant.

 

The Crier:

 

 

 Picture2

 

The Crier does the Bait-&-Switch method when it comes to deflecting and transferring emotions to their spouse. The crier tries to use excessive emotions to bring an end to a conflict or not to have the conversation at all. The crier makes it all about them, stresses how mean their spouse is, and accuses them of hurting their feelings. The crier tends to play the victim role rather than trying to achieve victory for the marriage. Although it is good to show passion and emotion when communicating, the crier takes this to the extreme and uses their emotions to their advantage.

 

The Closet:

 

 

 closet

 

The Closet Confrontation Fighter allows issues to lurk behind the scenes of closet doors. The out-of-sight-out-of-mind and sweep it all underneath the rug mentality. There actually is no confronting of issues. When the Closet Confrontation Fighter finally and actually does say something, it is explosive because they have suppressed their feelings for so long. They bring up stuff from the past and become very accusatory of many things. They also tend to blame their spouse for everything.

 

The closet fighter tends to think they are doing their spouse and marriage a favor by not stirring the hornet’s nest of issues and just letting things ride when they don’t like something. This is good in moderation, but in the end, it can be detrimental. A closet fighter can come across as one who is dishonest because they are not truthfully sharing how they really feel about the marriage and their spouse.

 

Love Assignment: This week identify your Conflict Fighter Type. Take a good assessment in how you can improve your communication skills when dealing with conflict in your marriage. Next, ask your spouse their Conflict Fighter Type and how you can better communicate with them so that you can have conflict that brings closeness rather than division.

 

Stand In My Shoes: Try this method to better understanding your spouse. Seriously, literally get a pair of your shoes out, put them by your spouse’s feet, and then allow your spouse to put their shoes by your feet.  Look at and examine the differences that you and your spouse bring to your marriage. The uniqueness of both of you is what makes your marriage strong. Understand that you can’t fit your spouse’s shoes (role/place) and they can’t fit yours, but together you both make the perfect fit.

 

 

*Remember, the next time you want to judge and criticize your spouse rather than understand them and make resolve of your issues then you will have to walk in their shoes.

 

The copyrighted material from this teaching are excerpts from author Tashara Luster’s soon to be released book:

THE TOTAL MARRIAGE

Copyright. ©Tashara Luster. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed without consent.

 

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