The Divorce Proof & Remarriage Series…

Feb 16, 2014   //   by Tina McCrea   //   Blog  //  Comments Off on The Divorce Proof & Remarriage Series…

Divorce & Remarriage

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– Pastor Tina R. McCrea

 

Matthew 19:7-10 (NLT)

 

“Then why did Moses say in the law that a man could give his wife a written notice of divorce and send her away?” they asked.

 

Jesus replied, “Moses permitted divorce only as a concession to your hard hearts, but it was not what God had originally intended. And I tell you this, whoever divorces his wife and marries someone else commits adultery—unless his wife has been unfaithful.”

 

Jesus’ disciples then said to him, “If this is the case, it is better not to marry!”

 

 

 

Divorce

 

I’ve been divorced before and when I describe the feeling that comes with it I describe it in this manner.  Imagine yourself driving along the highway of life at a steady pace on a sunny day, the window is down, you are leaning with your elbow slightly out of the window. You hit a few bumps in the road yet you are still moving forward.  Suddenly someone comes along from the opposite direction and snatches your arm off!  The shock, trauma, and pain is unimaginable and so unexpected.  It doesn’t matter who is at fault it just hurts!  That’s what happens when two people become one in body, soul, and spirit then get a divorce.  It’s why oneness in relationships is reserved for marriage because those souls were meant to be tied until death.

 

Nevertheless, divorce happens for whatever reason.  As a pastor, I do not promote divorce.  On the other hand, I never encourage people to stay in marriages that are abusive in any way.  Seek godly counsel today so that you can be enlightened and empowered to be free.

 

How Did I Get Here?

 

We have all read or heard several statistics regarding divorce.  But what is actually the root cause according to the scriptures.  Jesus said in Matthew 19:8 that it was because of the hardness of the heart.  Bitterness.  When we have unresolved conflict, self-centeredness, wrath, resentment, jealousy, fault-finding, etc. in our relationships the end result is going to be a hardened heart — bitterness.  Jesus said, that this was not what the Heavenly Father originally intended.  We know this because it wasn’t what you or I intended when we said I do at that altar.  Right?  So now what?  You may be saying, “Okay Pastor Tina, I can understand how I got here and I have feelings of grief, regret, anger, loneliness what do I do?”

 

After Jesus defined marriage and the power of oneness the religious folk who hated him were still trying to trap him by asking him about divorce.  He gives us a hard saying in Matthew 19:9 regarding divorce because he says unless your marriage ends due to fornication or infidelity in the marriage then you will be guilty of adultery if you remarry.  This would rule out irreconcilable (impossible to reconcile, adjust, compromise, collaborate, or harmonize) differences.  Irreconcilable differences when you look at the definition of the word boils down to self-centeredness.  These things can be worked out through godly counseling and allowing Christ to be the center of your choices, decision making, and communication style.  My first marriage ended due to domestic violence and adultery but what I have come to realize is that however marriages end the pain is similar to a death.  Both people tend to deal with the grief/regret of the loss and if children are involved the pain is magnified.

 

Healing & Moving Forward

 

Healing is on the horizon if you are relating to what I am saying about the pan of divorce.  The first step to healing is to accept that the divorce has occurred.  Then decide to seek professional or godly counseling. Notice I did not harp on godly counseling here because you may use that as an excuse not to move forward.  I used my Employee Assistance Program (EAP).  The guy wasn’t a Christian but he did relate to my Christian views and helped me with the next point that I am about to make.  Set new boundaries. Notice how the disciples responded to Jesus’ hard saying about divorce, “Shoot!  It’s better not to get married then!”  That was my paraphrasing but essentially what they were saying is, “I had better count up the cost before saying I-DO.”  Take the time to ask hard questions of yourself to discover how you got into the situation, what role, if any, did you have to play in the separation, how will you do things differently should you decide to remarry, establish healthy boundaries to give yourself permission to say to the next person during the dating phase, “This is where I draw the line or this is where you end and I begin (Anne Katherine, Boundaries Where You End and I Begin). 

 

 

Psalm 103:12-13

 

He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west.

 

The LORD is like a father to his children, tender and compassionate to those who fear him.

 

 

1 John 1:9

 

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

 

You’ve spent enough time telling God about what our spouse did to you now it’s time to ask your Heavenly Father to forgive you.  Repent. That is make up your mind to do what is right in future relationships and dating. Forgive yourself. Do not continue to rehearse the breakup and curse yourself for what happened.  Release the past into the sea of forgetfulness and the Father’s hands where he can handle it better than you.   Taking the steps that I have outlined will raise your level of awareness so that when you meet someone just like the person that you divorced you will recognize it, hear and obey the voice of Holy Spirit rather than yielding to your emotions or natural tendencies.  I’m so excited because I have lived what I am telling you!  Try it!  The liberation will blow your mind! 

 

Remarriage

When I told one of my minister buddies that I thought Elder Gary was going to ask me to enter a courtship with him and I was anxious about it the gentleman said this to me, “You know you have been healed from a previous hurt when you are willing to be vulnerable in that same area again.”  Hmmm.  I thought, was I ready to do that and how would I know if I was ready.  Sure enough Elder Gary did ask me to enter a courtship with him and I agreed but the road was not easy at first.  I had to acknowledge that he was not my former husband.  He often times had to remind me of that.  We sought godly counsel and attended sessions that made us answer hard questions and our bishop suggest that we read a book together titled, “Before You Say I Do by H. Norma Wright & Wes Roberts”.  

We would hold ourselves accountable to reading a chapter of that book before or during a date.  This meant that a movie theater was not always a part of our date night.  We avoided passion pits by going on group dates.  We spent a lot of time in prayer and we fasted at time too.  Reading that book helped us talk about and attending counseling sessions helped us to managed unrealistic expectations, uncover areas that still needed to be healed from my past and if you have children from a previous marriage you will need help with the process of creating a blended family.  Accept early on that creating a blended family is a process that requires a lot of communication not just with you and your future spouse but the children must be a part of that conversation as you set boundaries and relational guidelines.

Eyes Wide Open

What I have shared with you does not guaranteed that you will not have challenges if you decide to remarry but it does ensure that you have both eyes wide open, count up the cost of having to say what I did rather because you value the words, “I-DO” so much more.  Consider marriage as an investment of a lifetime.  We spend a lot of time, consideration, and even seek the counsel of friends and inspectors before we say I-DO to a brand new car or house investment.  Take those same measures when it comes to marriage.

 

 

 

Divorced persons once healed by the power of Christ can become friends again, set new boundaries, and may in some cases re-marry.

 

Prayer

Father help the person who reads or hears this broadcast to let go of all bitterness, your indignation, wrath, and resentment that surrounding the result of their divorce. Your words says you heal the broken hearted and binds up all of their wounds.  Lord, I’m asking you to destroy and break every chain of bondage.  Restore emotional healing by your grace today! Thank you for setting wise counselors in their path and let them hear and obey the voice of Holy Spirit as he speaks to them and restores their soul.  Lord reveal to them the choice of a mate is not based upon emotions or feelings but the qualities YOU would have them look for in a mate.  Let them not become unequally yoked again by setting proper boundaries, allowing themselves and You the time needed to listen and discern the heart of the person they are dating, avoiding passion pits and future pain. Cause their thoughts to come in alignment with your will so that their plans will be established and succeed.

  In Jesus’ Name, AMEN!

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